By Dr. Zoltan!
Dear Dr. Zoltan, I work in a strip club as a cocktail waitress, and this dude, a patron, said he'd like to get to know me. What should I do?
First off, you're probably thinking, this is just another one of those "nice guys" that come into the club looking for some attention because he's too shy and limp-dicked to talk to girls out in public. He needs a captive audience. He probably looks the other way when getting a lap dance, or sits there in the corner with his arms crossed, hoping you will walk up and ask him if he needs a refill on his Sprite. He'll probably go out of his way to tell you about how he's really not into the whole strip-club thing. So here is what I want you to do. You want to make lots of eye contact with him. This will make him feel important and visible, something he rarely feels. When he asks about your personal life, you want to play up the, "I am the top-secret smart girl but I am hiding out in a superficial strip club, hoping to meet an intellectual, oh my god, I am so glad you discovered me" vibe. Tell him you play 5 or 6 instruments, and emphasize orchestra instruments. Oboe, cello, viola, bassoon. Piano is classy, too. Don't say flute or violin, those are stock instruments. You want to seem like you are always on the periphery. Be direct. When he asks you a question, answer it in specific terms, and show you are in control. Also, use the word "philosophy." You don't need to get into the specific metaphysics, morals, or epistemology. That will be enough to turn him on. When he asks you if you will hang out with him and talk sometime, pretend that you are scared. You obviously have nothing to be scared of, because this guy is a major emotional wimp and a psychological push-over, just look at him. But it's at least a way to terminate the conversation and get back to work. He'll be out of his mind and won't be able to stop thinking about you for at least a few days. He'll come back for more, at which point you can have your hair styled a completely different way, and tell him about your 6 year old daughter. This will really confuse him. When he gets really confused, kill him. Good luck.
Dear Dr. Zoltan, I am always in a long-term relationship, but I like to have some fun on the side, too. Especially with really smart, nerdy guys, because they can comprehend my eloquent vocabulary. I show up at their apartment at 3 a.m. and get in their bed and want to cuddle. My supposed long-term boyfriend / husband is abusive and has big muscles. And tattoos. We have sex all the time and I love him. He does coke. We break up every 5 minutes. What should I do?
Oh, you are already doing everything you need to do, my dear. Why are you even writing to me? You have them right where you want them. Lure the nerdy guys (one by one) into the shower with you and kill them.
Dear Dr. Zoltan, I work out at the YMCA and I am tan. What should I do?
You need to really think this one through. You should probably pretend to own your own business. Then kill him. Or wear some jewelry, get into an SUV, and THEN kill him. Either way, kill him. Kill him. Kill him.
Dear Dr. Zoltan, I am always mysteriously single. I am really pretty, and I like physics, yoga, scrabble, and foreign travel. I went to a gifted school. My girlfriends and I eat organic vegan delights. We occasionally sample foodstuffs and cinema that are exotic. I have
a Myspace blog detailing all of this, and it drives smart guys crazy. I am always right here waiting, it seems. Waiting for that special, creative, and unique intellectual man to sweep me off my feet and watch Nova or read Carl Sagan with me. The guys on Myspace are always trying to intellectually seduce me, and I seem to just keep reciprocating because I am an innocent girl who likes to communicate openly. I come from a rich family so I have a lot of
time to do stained glass and crossword puzzles. I also like hiking and I look great in shorts and athletic shoes. What should I do?
Here's the deal, little smart girl. Find some guy who is exactly the same age as you, and make sure he is not caucasian. All at once, announce to everyone on your Myspace that you have never been so happy in your life, and post pictures of you and the non-caucasian all over the page. Leave one final blog about how, "I love you so much and you are everything in my universe and I didn't know it until now." Post photos of him sleeping, and photos of him
with your parents. Everyone will wonder, "where the hell did THIS guy come from all of the sudden?" Make sure he doesn't even have a Myspace page, that will drive them crazy. They will have spent so much time posting witty bulletins in foreign languages and thinking they were THIS close to being the only one in the universe who could score with you. Then right then, you can kill them all.
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Copyright 2006 MutantMall Co.
Dr. Zoltan! is a Destroy Your Mind! Production
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Dear Dr. Zolatan, I have had sex with twenty four girls and dated none of them. At least half of them I have only met once. I have terrible intimacy problems. I enjoy working out, smashing people, threatening them, and Vampire: the Masquerade. I am extremely intelligent and smart and I hold most people in contempt. I am confused about life, I have no idea why people are the way they are. They seem so evil and helplessly depressed. Also, I am legitimately different. I am a Muslim and I talk to spirits. What should I do?